I woke up this morning feeling slightly terrified. Yes, I believe a person can be slightly terrified, though it might be more elegantly expressed as a feeling of dread, or impending doom. It’s quiet; it’s in the background — but it’s definitely there. It’s omnipresent.

Since I believe in kindness and compassion, for other people, as well as for oneself, I decided to figure out what was going on with me.

The thing is, I set up this website, like, a metric eon ago, and I haven’t worked much on it since. I’ve tweaked some settings here and there, and I’ve gazed at it, and I’ve wondered about what to put on it, and I’ve had a million ideas that stayed in my head.

In short, I’ve worked myself up into a state of near-panic about it. Rather than just being excited and happy about having a THING that’s all mine, that can be a blank canvas I colour in as I like.

So, naturally, I haven’t actually been writing anything for it.

When I get scared, the second thing that happens is, I become paralyzed. And whatever is HIGHLY IMPORTANT that I do at that moment, whether it’s studying for an exam or going to bed at a decent time, is exactly the thing I cannot seem, with any amount of force, to actually do.

It’s gotten to the point where I damn near have a phobia about stuff like schoolwork. I actually cannot remember the last time I studied properly for an exam — I take them all by the seat of my pants, just because I find it too scary to study. Talk about conterproductive.

But, as it turns out, this morning I figured out what purpose this paralysis serves. And its purpose, apparently, is to 1) protect me from the scary, scary thing, but more importantly, 2) to act as a signal that I have lost touch with my intrinsic motivation to do whatever that thing is.

And this is the part that’s so very important, and so very relevant to this here normal eating blog.

Intrinsic motivation, to my understanding, is basically the natural reward inherent in a behaviour. Whether it’s eating, or going to the bathroom (eew, I know), or doing one’s homework. It’s the natural high you get from doing those things, because they are somehow gratifying in themselves.

Food tastes good, and it feels good when you’ve had a varied and nutritionally-dense meal that meets your needs. I get a calm, fluid feeling right in the centre of my chest when I’ve eaten a good homecooked dinner. Like my soul is letting out a big, satisfied sigh. Ahhhhhhh.

And peeing when you’ve super-gotta-go provides an immediate, and if you’re honest, heady sense of relief. Ahhhhhhh.

And doing one’s homework is gratifying because, not only might the content be interesting and relevant to you personally, if you can focus on the joy of learning rather than the threat of a bad grade — but also because it contributes to the life you’ve chosen for yourself.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

In short, the only real reason you or I do any of these things is because they are a kindness to ourselves.

But if you get caught up in a sense of competition, or wanting to impress other people, or even trying to prove your worth to the world, it can majorly undermine that intrinsic pleasure.

It might not happen today, maybe not even tomorrow, but, eventually, if you’re anything at all like me (read: rebellious and stubborn), you might find yourself completely paralyzed, some part of you totally unwilling to take another step forward until you’ve straightened your shit out.

Because forcing yourself along for years and years with carrots and sticks is exhausting, humiliating, and, at its base, actually kind of cruel.

Well, homey don’t play that shit.

Being cruel to yourself, even for the stated purpose of doing something “Good for you” is counterproductive. And it’s shitty. And don’t do it.

So, you might be wondering how I’m going to tie this to normal eating. Well, even though I struggle mightily with schoolwork, the one thing I no longer struggle with is eating. So, in order for me to understand stuff, I often filter it through an analogy of how I eat.

This morning I realized — what I’ve been doing to myself with trying to force myself to work on this or that, to get the highest grade, or compete with people in the business world (okay, so that one’s mostly in my head, but still), is not so very different from what I did when I was dieting — taking something (eating) that IS already inherently pleasurable and a good thing, and using an external motivator (weight) to suck all the joy out of it. And eventually ruin it for myself.

In short, to flagellate myself. With something that is actually supposed to contribute to my well-being.

And how messed up is that?

So, writing this blog is hugely important to me. It’s contributing directly to the life I want to live (maybe I’ll tell you about that later. It’s pretty beautiful, and damn near inspiring, if I do say so myself.) And because I like myself, because I’m pretty good buddies with myself, making the effort to contribute to that life is so totally worth it.

So, hi. I’m here now. And I’ll be here for a while, building cool shit for myself. I hope you get something out of it.

I’ll put some old entries about eating up in the archives. Feel free to poke around and ask questions.