Hilarious shit my husband says.

So…my husband. He’s Canadian, right?

We both are, now, but I was BORN (and raised) IN THE USA!!! just like Bruce Springsteen.

And I love America, to be frank. I love it in a way I never loved it when I still lived there. I love it in its brashness, its tackiness, its cultural ridiculousness. I love it “in all the excellence of its excess.”

I love American news, American talk radio, American commercials, American flag stickers on cars, the Star-Spangled Banner, bald eagles. I love shit-slinging political chimpanzees. Just…everything. I think it’s amusing, yes, but at the same time, I love it in a completely unironic way.

Canadians…don’t. In fact, lots of Canadians are downright snotty about their disdain for Americans, mainly because they seem to think Americans are boorish, unfunny, and intellectually lazy.

Totally shocking, I know.

But I love this, because it gives me the opportunity to make people really uncomfortable simply by saying, “I’m American, you know.”

And they get all flustered and say things like “YOU’RE an American?” and “NO WAY” and “Well, I didn’t mean you.” And I heartily enjoy myself because, truly, I am an asshole through and through.

So, today, when an American said something about how THE WORLD MOCKS AMERICA BECAUSE WE’RE ALL SO FAT, my husband’s response was:

We don’t mock Americans for being fat. We mock them for electing Bush, for starting wars without UN consent, for being distastefully patriotic. Duh :-)

And it was just so…Canadian…of him. I love that.





38 responses to “Hilarious shit my husband says.”

  1. JeninCanada Avatar

    *proud Canadian here* Yeah, I can be snotty towards America sometimes. Sorry about that. Your hubby’s a keeper. ^^

  2. Shinobi Avatar

    If Canadian’s didn’t hate Americans it would just prove that Canadians are as boring and spineless as the american public thinks they are. And since we know the American Public is wrong about pretty much everything, obv Canadians hate us. Q.E.D. Or something.

    1. Michelle Avatar

      “But Canadians are so polite!”

      Yeah, only to your FACE. Behind your back, they’re raucous shit-disturbers.

      (Meaning, mildly sarcastic and self-deprecating.)

  3. Colleen Avatar

    All true. And yes, we are shit-disturbers when no one’s looking. Actually, on many levels we can be real assholes or hardnoses behind the scenes. But don’t tell anyone.

    I can be as snotty and anti-American as the next Canadian… to a point. *Sigh* I have to say, some go on and on in a way that makes ME embarassed and I start defending the US. Huh. Never thought I’d see that. But four years of living in Louisiana changed my perspective somewhat.

    What your husband said made me gigglesnort. Very funny, and yes, very Canadian.

  4. Colleen Avatar

    Oh, and I should say I totally understand how you feel. I felt the same way about Canada when I was living in the US.

    1. Michelle Avatar

      You were all like, “Tim Hortons *wistful sigh*”

      1. Colleen Avatar

        Exactly! And I was listening to CBC Radio, something I never do at home!

        1. Michelle Avatar

          God, I’ll never make that mistake again.

          I used to have my clock-radio tuned (accidentally) to CBC Radio. One morning, the alarm was set so the radio turned on, but I didn’t have to be anywhere, so I laid there listening to it.

          It was an interview with Jane Doe, the woman who was raped and successfully brought a case against the police because they knew there was a rapist in the area but failed to warn anyone because they were hoping he’d strike again so they could catch him — meaning, they essentially used her as bait, and she was raped in the process.

          Anyway, so I was listening to her story, and they started describing the rapist’s M.O., which was that he operated in X neighbourhood in Toronto, and climbed up to 2nd-floor apartment balconies to get to his victims. And I just about jumped out of my skin.

          Turns out, X neighbourhood was the neighbourhood I had *just* moved into…and I lived on the second floor of an apartment building…with a balcony…and I’d been leaving my balcony door open all night because it was too warm inside.


          1. deeleigh Avatar

            Holy fuck! I had no idea.

  5. Daniel M. Avatar
    Daniel M.

    Hmm, being surprised when they see you – it sounds as if they did not know any statistics (math) *sarcasm*
    I can utterly agree on the politics part – i am currently studying in england and compared to my country the politicians are just so boring,…
    BTW if you want to ROTFLOL and learn something about my country as well,
    somebody put this together
    http://slovakiacards.blogspot.com – it is a spoof on our politics themed as magic:the gathering card game

    1. Michelle Avatar

      Not political, but you may enjoy this as well — warnings for children from old Czech matchbooks:


      It cracks me up every time.

      1. Daniel M. Avatar
        Daniel M.

        Hell,. i know those!
        They are the same matches we have in slovakia

        1. Michelle Avatar

          CHRANTE DETI!!!!

  6. julie Avatar

    As an American, born and raised, I have problems with America and Americans. I’m so PROUD our corporations are granted more rights, tax breaks, and clout, as I’m granted less. We’re probably #1 in terms of climate change deniers, and I think we are lazy. If I wasn’t lazy, too, I’d find a new country. I mean, do you know how difficult/expensive it is to get health insurance here, if you’re unemployed, overweight, child-bearing age?

    We’re not all that.

    1. Heidi Avatar

      I’ve lived in five different countries but was born American and have spent more than half of my life in this country (have been back for about 18 months after five years in the UK). I have innumerable issues with the States and will be happy when we leave but I will also miss being anonymous in the crowd (my accent makes me instantly different the minute I go back to England), I will miss several of my favorite foods (sourdough bread, Butterfingers…)…but most of all I will miss how incredibly beautiful this country is. There are also many, many things Americans do well (our generosity is remarkable, if you consider how many people give who can’t truly afford it).

      I don’t think Americans are lazy. Complacent about our wealth, certainly, but not lazy. We work more hours per week than most other industrialized nations, get less vacation time per year, and have to fight harder for good healthcare, etc.

      I have lots of problems with the US but we do good things too.

      1. Michelle Avatar

        but most of all I will miss how incredibly beautiful this country is. There are also many, many things Americans do well (our generosity is remarkable, if you consider how many people give who can’t truly afford it).

        I don’t think Americans are lazy. Complacent about our wealth, certainly, but not lazy. We work more hours per week than most other industrialized nations, get less vacation time per year, and have to fight harder for good healthcare, etc.

        I have lots of problems with the US but we do good things too.

        Agreed. I’m also totally struck every time I go home with how physically and naturally beautiful America is, and how diverse the landscape.

  7. deeleigh Avatar

    Yeah, I’m an American living in Canada, too. Since moving here, I’ve become even more mystified and offended by right wing nut jobs than when I lived in the midwest. Back then I was like “Sure we have different opinions, but can’t we just get along?” Now, I’m like “Those people are ruining MY COUNTRY. Fucking idiots.”

  8. Michellers Avatar

    Not only am I American–but I live in LOS ANGELES. And even Americans hate Los Angeles. But I love living here, I really do, and cannot imagine living anywhere else. And I don’t hold a grudge against Canadians for disliking an entire country. Besides, some of my best friends are Canadian ;-)

    1. Michelle Avatar


      See, you’re more tolerant than most Canadians, even. Must come from being Californian :)

  9. WendyRG Avatar

    Guilty as charged: I have to rein in my U.S.-bashing tendencies. As individuals, even crazy, nutbar right-wingers can be charming, helpful and caring. But put them in a group, drooling as they listen to Glen Beck, and they become a clear and present danger to the world. Every country has its fundamentalist right wing crazies, but as far as democracies go, the US wins hands down with the number of ultra-conservatives it has and the power they wield. Any country where someone who thinks universal health care is a socialist plot is called “moderate” doesn’t impress me much. I think your husband is absolutely spot on.

    BTW, I LOVE NY and think Tim Horton’s coffee is weak and insipid, though it is drinkable in Quebec (they make it stronger there).

    1. Michelle Avatar

      I had better get to Quebec soon, then. I like the taste of Tim Hortons coffee (it’s as though they have developed some flavour additive made to imitate the flavour of French-press coffee), but I would prefer more flavour (and more caffeine.)

  10. Todd Avatar

    The funny part about it is that as Americans, we could give a shit what Canadians think of us. :)

    1. Michelle Avatar

      I know, right? And that just makes them even snottier.

      Canada is like the snarky-but-secretly-insecure little brother of the US.

      (Don’t tell my husband I said that.)

      1. Todd Avatar

        That made me chuckle-snort.

  11. Susan Avatar

    Thank you, thank you, thank you. I too am American and as of today, January 29, 2010, I have been in Canada for 36 years. As proud of that as I am, I still love America too. I feel a real connection to both.
    My husband is Canadian and so is my beautiful son (who just turned 8). My entire family lives in the USA and I don’t get there nearly as often as I used to or would like to at this point in my life. Owning and running a business doesn’t allow for too much time off these days.
    I loved your comments and agree wholeheartedly. From one American/Canadian to another ~ HATS OFF!!

    1. Michelle Avatar

      Happy Canaversary :)

  12. Kathy Avatar

    As an American also living in Canada since I was a child I truly feel more Canadian than American although I have retained my U.S. Citizenship, I am toying with the idea of becoming a Canadian citizen. However becoming a Cdn. citizen would deprive me of the same special joy –as you described ab0ve– when someone is US-Bashing in front of me to say “I”m American” so I’m torn LOL.

    1. Michelle Avatar

      You can become a dual citizen. That’s what I did :)

  13. Lyndsay Avatar

    Funny how we don’t realize what we love about a country until we leave it for a while. I can understand that.
    I don’t think Americans are lazy. Instead I think you work too hard, often not by choice though. But we’re not actually much better here. Employers have been required to give only two weeks holidays a year minimum for the first few years on a job for a long time now. I think it’s time we increase that to three. Don’t less stressed employees do a better job?

  14. Michal Finegold Avatar

    I want to say this – I am both American and Israeli. I grew up in Israel but am an American citizen as well. And one thing I get a bit annoyed about is this – everybody loves to hate on America. Including Americans who want to seem super cool and belong to some sort of intellectual elite.
    But the U.S. IS the biggest superpower in the world, and it is a democracy, and it is the strongest biggest cultural influence in the world as well. Say what you will, but we watch American TV shows and movies in Israel, and they watch them in every other country I’ve ever been in.
    I’m not saying other cultures are not incredibly rich and important and valid. But the USA offers so many things we all have in common. And I think that’s a cool thing, sorry, but I do. :)

    And, P.S. – English IS the global language (I know it did not originate in the USA, this isn’t a USA specific comment but a more general one) – and people, both in the US and in other countries who act like all other languages are on equal footing with it – are NOT. It is fanTAStic that we have a global language. And it IS English.

    Sorry, this is just a pet peeve of mine living in the states and seeing all this apologetic bull. As someone who grew up in another country I will say you can totally love and appreciate other countries, cultures and languages while still recognizing the facts about our world and the USA’s position in it. I love Israel and Hebrew and everything but we in Israel all make sure to speak and understand English, and we all recognize the significance of the US and what it means to succeed here in most fields (-> succeeding on a global scale).

    Ok, end rant!

  15. Nicole Avatar

    I’m American, born and raised, and I freaking hate it here. How would someone go about moving to Canada?

    1. Michelle Avatar

      Well…it helps to marry a Canadian. Or have Canadian relatives who sponsor your application for permanent residency.

      Otherwise, there is some kind of NAFTA work visa program that will let you come work (and live) in Canada, if you work in a certain field. How you go about getting permanent residency from there, I’m not sure.

      There’s some info on applying to temporarily work in Canada here: http://www.cic.gc.ca/english/work/apply-who.asp

      And here’s info on applying to immigrate to Canada as a skilled worker: http://www.cic.gc.ca/english/immigrate/skilled/index.asp

      (In general, http://www.cic.gc.ca is your friend for this kind of info.)

  16. Heh Avatar

    Fuck Canadians.

    (Sorry, couldn’t resist as I DESPISE progressives….)

    1. Michelle Avatar

      Well, you’d get along famously with our current prime minister, then.

  17. Dominique Avatar

    I don’t like what I just read about Canada here. Even though I don’t identify a lot with Canada (as a Quebec French Speaker I feel more Quebecer than Canadian) I’m ill at ease with that kind of comment. And I certainly not think of Canada as USA’s little brother, we do have an identity of our own here. Probably these are only jokes, but I don’t think I’m able to understand this kind of sarcastic humour in English… I hope people are kidding about the whole «fuck canadians» stuff. However I certainly agree we are not perfect and that we are very good at being nice in your face and a bitch in your back. Ah, and yes, Tim’s coffee is good here in Quebec.

    1. Michelle Avatar

      Well, if it helps, I really love Canada. And I like the coffee too.

      But I like to poke fun.

      I really need to see Quebec. The closest I’ve been is Ottawa, and I really liked it.

      1. Dominique Avatar

        Thanks it does help (pardon my comprehension as my english is not perfect lol)

        If ever you’d like to come here poke me and I will be glad to be your tourist guide in Quebec City.